Faith Knitted Living

I have a heart and a passion for others to get to know Jesus how I know Him. I haven’t gone to college to study Jesus. I have only my real-world experience with Him. I want to be upfront and transparent about that. I started this blog at the prompting of the Holy Spirit and was reminded by my husband this morning that the purpose of the blog is to share me, my walk, struggles, and obviously Jesus. Today’s post is raw, authentic, and why I love Jesus the way that I do, and why I want you to get to know who He is.

10 years ago, if you would have told me that I would be on fire for God, a lover of His Word (the Bible), and actively wanting to share Jesus with another person, I would have laughed at you. I would have been snarky and give you all the reasons that I could think of as to why I wouldn’t do that. I struggled with things like is the Word of God even true, or just a well laid out antiquated literary work of art? Too many rules to follow God. Too many holes (if God is so loving why does He let all the bad things happen?). These are just bits of actual conversations I had had.

Truth is, I liked thinking I had control over life. Truth is, I thought that since I was a fairly decent person, not willingly causing harm to others, that I was doing okay. Just be a good person. What does that even mean? I was a messed up person, I just wasn’t willing to admit I needed more. I needed help. Life wasn’t good.

See, I wasn’t a good person. I was kind at times. I was generous when I could be. At the end of the day, I still had struggles. I had been taught about Jesus at a young age. My mom would make me go to church. Even when she didn’t. My grandma would take me to church, and I enjoyed that because she went too. Until I became a teenager and started engaging in “fun” activities such as drinking, being promiscuous, trying to fill the void and emptiness in my life with what I thought was good times. I used to say things like “Well, at least I’m not doing drugs.” Like that was what made me a good person. Or I wasn’t stealing or committing crimes. That made me a good person.

Sleeping around and getting drunk didn’t make me a good person, and actually because of those choices, I had to make other hard choices. Those choices didn’t just impact me, like I had convinced myself, and a lot of that carried over into others lives. In small ways. In gigantic ways. In ways that made me feel shameful and dirty and like no one could ever love me kind of ways. For many, many years. I carried so much guilt and shame because of the consequences of my actions. Which led to more destructiveness, that in the moments, I couldn’t see. Change your ways you’d tell me (actually, my parents did tell me that!). Sure, it’s that simple. When you already feel like there’s no point to changing your ways, you just don’t do the changing. Add to that that I already thought even God couldn’t love me (tactic of satan, and how WE all stay in those yucky feeling situations and life habits), if I could just change enough to get by and be a good person, all would be okay. Except I still felt the weight and emptiness of the shame and guilt of who I was.

It wasn’t until my mid to late 30’s that I sincerely felt the drawing back to God. That’s not to say that I hadn’t seen God in areas of my life (remember, I went to church as a kid, so I had previous knowledge.). I could even give you examples of when and where I KNEW that God’s hand had kept me on this side of the dirt. I didn’t want God. I didn’t want to live a cleaner life. Honestly, I didn’t KNOW God. Like not in a way that I knew my family or friends. I had the same perception a lot of people did of Him, just a big ole bully in the sky waiting on me to screw up again so He could squash me flat and leave me in the mess. I thought my consequences were just a punishment from Him. I thought that I deserved to feel empty and dirty. That I deserved to feel unloved. Until.

God began drawing me back to Him. Not in a forceful “get to know me or else” kind of way. In a gentle, courtship, I want to get to know you kinda way. See, He is gentle. He is the creator of my heart. Of your heart. He showed me in the past that even though I wanted nothing to do with Him, He wanted to care for me, and He did. I bet if you sat down and looked at the unexplainable places in your life you could see God too. Maybe someday you’ll even be willing to admit you can see it!

I started working at a place where I would meet women who knew who God was. Like really knew who He was. In gentleness, and sometimes harshness, they would begin to introduce me to a God I never knew. The one and only God who had seen everything I had ever done, who heard all the words I’d ever said, and even the ones I’ve never said out loud. The people I had hurt. The people who had hurt me. And everything in between. I was curious, so I started reading the Bible for myself. I wanted to know that this God was real. I wanted to know that He could take the emptiness and turn it into something different. I wanted to know that I really could be loved and that I really could be deserving of living a good, clean life.

It didn’t and it hasn’t happened overnight. When I was ready, God welcomed me back to Him with open arms. The emptiness I had felt disappeared. The shame and guilt, well, those are still works in progress 7 years later. No one person could help me feel the things God has helped me feel. No one person, beverage, experience, counselor could help me heal from my past the way God has helped me heal. No amount of brow beating, parental conversation, conversation with my kids, siblings, or even God loving friends could get me to explore the absolute truth God offers. This is why I write. God gave me a heart and a passion for others to know Him how I know Him, and I know that He can change your life. I know that it won’t be easy. Actually, the most in love with Jesus experience excruciating circumstances as well. In the midst, He offers peace, joy, and love IF you surrender it all to Him.